I was nervous about returning... I had yet another text-war with my sister on the Saturday evening. When I say war, what I mean is that I am civil... and she goes off her rocker. Some of the memorable insults were that I am a 'slack cow,' 'a freeloader' 'selfish', but the worst, and most worrying, was the threat that selfish people will get what selfish people deserve... And I hate that I thought it, but my mind went straight to 'what is she going to do?' I thought burn down my room, hurt my darling cat... Honestly, these are the things I feel she is capable of. Would she go ahead and do it? I really don't know... But it says a lot that I thought it though. I also mentioned it to my bestie and when I mentioned what I feared, she even said she didn't want to say it, but that was exactly where her mind went too.
?! What am I dealing with here?! I live in fear of her, and what extent she might go to hurt me. That's crazy right?! But the fact that my best friend thought it as well, made me feel that I am not just over-reacting.
I stopped replying to her texts, because there was no point. I just forwarded them to my Dad. In my mind, if he can justify the way she treats me, then he can deal with it. He told me he called her and that it was 'okay now'...
My arrival was confrontational *sigh
I was in my car, psyching myself up, and my Dad's car was still there, so I felt slightly relived that my buffer was around... As I approached the door, my heart beating fast, sweaty palms... The door opened before I got there. Yep, my Dad was leaving just as I was arriving, and my sister was right there saying goodbye (so was Bender). My Dad tried to make a joke 'Oh, you remember (my sisters' name) don't you?' (hardy har, nice try but no dice with me). She laughed and acted very jovial... I said 'er yeh' and just made a bee-line for my bedroom and shut the door.
I am not a faker. I actually can't do it. I'm most probably not making it any easier on myself, or anyone really. I haven't even looked my sister in the eye for a long time (early November), so I'm not about to go along pretending nothing is wrong with someone who says such awful things to me, am I?! I can't do it. And it pains me even more that she has the ability to pretend like nothing happened before- like the big blow-up and that, again, only a few days prior she was calling me horrible names again, when I literally say nothing bad about her, no name calling, nothing to provoke. All that was happening was me being blamed for things that were not my fault. At all. It's amazing, really. The one thing I did say, after being blamed for a plethora of things, was 'always blaming someone else' and that was after a barrage of texts, sprinkled with profanity. That's it. That's me, "being horrible." That was followed by 3 or 4 more texts, once which included 'stop texting loser'-- which I thought was strange, considering I had sent the ratio of 1 text to her 4. It's like a lot of the things she says to me... They should really be directed at herself. Like blaming me for things going wrong with her life... They aren't my fault. Not one bit. Other people have said that too... Like my mum, brother, my best friend. My dad has said to me, in her defence... that I am the only one she can take it out on or that "she's angry at the world"... Um, and that makes it okay?
Playing happy families cos my Dad was around at the front door and just pretending like she hadn't said what she had said only a few days before?! I can't do it! Is that wrong?! Am I wrong? Am I supposed to pretend it was all fine and ok with me?! Seriously? I don't know. I am so hurt, I can't do it. I won't do it!!! Not anymore. I also don't want her thinking... 'ahh I'm forgiven'... and that it's okay to treat me that way. It's not. It's not okay anymore.
I can't look her in the eyes because I feel if I l do, she will see all the pain she has caused me. My eyes don't lie. And, I would be happy to be wrong here, but I feel she takes pleasure from knowing she hurts me.
It had been nearly 2 weeks since I had seen Bender... During that time, on many occasions I wanted to go back just to see him. Like, not even go inside, just see him outside, give him a pat and some cuddles, so he knew I was still around.
Leaving him was bad enough and I avoided visiting him because I feared seeing him again and then saying goodbye again would be hard. I was right. It was hard. But, I am happy I went and got to see him. It was a bitter sweet reunion. I am glad that he is okay, glad that he obviously still loves me, but sad that I had to say goodbye and maybe gave him false hope that I was back. I saw signs that he is a slightly unhappy... I mean he is being fed, he has shelter etc, but like me, he is an emotional eater... and, like me, let's just say, he's piled on some pounds! He is also not grooming himself like he would normally, but when he came into my room for some cuddles, he started grooming, like he could relax.
I miss him most at night... He used to sleep with me. I'm lonesome without him. In the past 2 weeks, I would catch myself wondering what he was doing, wondering if he was waiting for me to come home, feeling sad I wasn't strong enough to still be there. Feeling like the bad guy.
When he first saw me on Sunday (at the front door, as my Dad was leaving), it was soooo cute. He saw me, looked perplexed, and his eyes grew large as if to say 'huh? Is what I'm seeing real?! Is it really her?!' He would have rubbed his eyes, in disbelief, if he could, I'm sure. Unfortunately, at the time I went straight upstairs and didn't get to say hello properly- the whole front door confrontation was too much for me, but he came and 'knocked' on my bedroom door about 5 mins later... by knocked I mean incessant scratching and the old familiar meowwwww. Mmm, I misssssss him soooooo much.
I have to admit, Smokey is enjoying being the only cat in the house. But the thing with old man Smokey is that he is Mr. Independent. He doesn't mind the odd cuddle, but overall, he likes his space, and gets a bit agro with me if I coddle him too much. Bender was like the answer to all my pet prayers... He loves a cuddle, anytime, anyplace. There is never a limit to his affection. It's amazing. I miss that.
Here is Smokey, looking like a kitten, even though he will be 10 this February (I actually thought it was last Feb, but found his birth certificate in the move, haha). That face is the look I get after I have annoyed him by calling his name a number of times for a photo op... What? What do you want?! Still cute though!!
I also got to see the puppy!!! My sister and the kids had left, on foot (her car was still there) and I *assumed* they would have taken the puppy with them... I mean why not? Why, when you have a puppy, would you not take them with you? Anyway, I went outside for a sticky beak anyway and OH MY GOSH, adorable to the max! I wish I had taken a picture, but I went out there empty handed, and luckily, cos he was all over me like a rash!! I kept saying 'do you remember me, do you remember me???!' I think he did! So gorgeous! Tripled in size, easily... It had been 2 weeks to the day that I last saw him. I wasn't expecting him to be so big, but he is!
So sad to say goodbye, and to Bender too, but I was still filled with love after having seen them. I do still get that hollow, I miss them, feeling... but, what can you do?! Taking what I can get.