♡ Week Six Results

Hi Guys…

Just a quick post today. It’s my 6th week weigh in and it wasn’t too great. Nuts.

I have stayed the same for nearly a whole week. 6 days to be precise. According to the weight loss prophesies I foresee a big loss when I weigh in tomorrow. I have no idea why this keeps happening. I seem to lose the day after my weigh in. haha

I weigh 1.1 kilos less than last week. Taking my total lost to 11.5 kilos in 6 weeks. I am still only 23% of the way through my ‘journey’ though.

I have to attend a funeral tomorrow. *sigh

A friend of mine, who is the brother of one of my besties, took his own life last week. As you can imagine this has been incredibly shocking and I don’t think it has really even hit me yet. Not until tomorrow, I’m sure.

I have one black dress that fits and still haven’t found it yet. I am procrastinating on the looking front but I need to find it tonight or I will be in big trouble tomorrow! I also need to wash my hair tonight and do all sorts of things. I worry over the little things that no one will even notice. It must make me feel in control to preoccupy my mind with them. Like, I want to wash and ‘do my hair and I feel like I ‘need’ to have my nails painted. I have been thinking of a nice grey colour, but does it even matter?! No.

I am also worried that I haven’t been doing a good job comforting my friend. I am terrible at it. The friend who had lost contact with her went to her house yesterday and stayed till the evening. What have I done? Nothing- well one call and some messages and emails. Hmm, maybe it is okay that I leave the comforting to the ones who can handle it. Plus I am sure she is being bombarded with messages and calls left right and centre.

This whole situation has also brought to mind that life is too short. I had to tell one of my friends about the death and I found that really hard. For the obvious reason and also that we have been ‘estranged’ for quick awhile (years). Since I told her, we have made massive strides in our relationship and I think a bridge may even have been mended. If there can even be a silver lining, this could be it.

It has also made me think of my ‘thing’ between me and my Dad. I still haven’t spoken to him. He reached out and I ignored his calls, then he sent me a message saying to contact him when I was ready but also that he doesn’t think he has done anything wrong. So, I don’t know… Bottom line, I’m not ready to talk to him about it all and I’ve had other things on my mind.

Anyway, so that’s what’s happening in my world at the moment.

xxx

♡Missy

Bottling emotions, until the Bottle POPS

Hey Guys…

I had a really stressfully emotional night last night.

Me
(source)

You see, my sister has been unwell and if you’ve read of my posts about family you would see I had a lot of issues with her. Long story short is that I eventually moved out- but I had already suffered a lot. I felt like I was always taking a backseat in my family because others would be so effed up that there was never time for me.

My Dad has 10 children (4 different mums)… So it makes sense that some of us had to disappear. We are all spread out a lot. Especially me. I am the most spread out of us all. My sister is 12 years older than me and my little brother is 6 years younger- everyone else is 1 or 2 years apart. You’d almost think I would have had a lot of attention. But I didn’t. Or maybe I did but I was too young to remember.

Anyway, since I moved out (I lived with my Dad and my sister and her 2 sons), I haven’t had much to do with my sister. She is going through something and I don’t want to be part of it- it’s destructive. She uses me and does nothing to help her situation. My dad would call me now and then just say hello. It started to dawn on me that almost every call was to update me on my sister after he put in the obligatory 'small chat'. ‘Oh she’s not doing well’ ‘when was the last time you saw her’ ‘ she’s very skinny‘ ‘oh she has so much on her plate.’ Every call was under a minute long and most of that was him telling me about my sister.

I can’t really explain and I probably sound like I am evil, but he has always put her problems onto me. Since I was at least 19. She had a nervous breakdown and I was the one who had to help her through it. Last night was the final straw. He asked me when was the last time I saw her. Well, it was that weekend when I babysat my nephew so she could go to a night club. Call me crazy, but she can’t be too sick if she can go to a nightclub. Anyway, I don’t want my post here to be about her, but after I got off the phone I felt really low. My dad puts all this guilt on me as though I am supposed to do something about her problems when she won’t even help herself. I started toying with the idea of telling him how I felt. I have never done that. I bottle my emotions, keep them deep down inside. I knew I couldn’t ‘speak’ to him, as I get too emotional and make no sense. So, I wrote him a letter (to send electronically).

I cried while I wrote it. I asked him what it was he wanted me to do about my sister, and didn’t he notice that the last time I ‘helped’ my life was turned upside down and no one cared and it didn’t help her, it just hurt me. I told him he only sees what she wants him to see and if he only knew the truth. I told him how I now know how our family works… ‘he who screams loudest gets the attention’- I am not like that. I told him I don’t want him to call me only to tell me how badly she is doing. I told how all my life I have reached out to him, only to be pushed aside. I have always felt like a nuisance… Just something that everyone had to find something to do with. I was in the way. I used to stay at my step-mums on weekends just so I could see him when he would visit them… I used to go to his work after to school just to see him, even if it was only to spend time with him as he would drive me home. If I hadn’t made those efforts, I wouldn’t have seen him. I have never told him how all this has made me feel. I said all I want is for you to not call me to remind me how less important I am than everyone else.

I did feel like a weight had been lifted off me just writing it all down. I was unsure of sending the message. I know it would make him sad… but I honestly can’t handle it anymore. It’s every time I talk to him. I sent the message. I told him I didn’t want to talk about it, I just wanted him to know how I felt and how it makes me feel when he tried to guilt me. I did receive a reply this morning. It was pretty okay and he barely mentioned my sister, only to say ‘he didn’t know’ and that ‘maybe’ he was ‘blind about some things’… Better than nothing. He also said we needed to talk. I don’t want to. To be honest, since I moved out I gave up. I decided that he had made his choice and my sisters’ problems were more important than anyone’s and most definitely more important than my happiness. I decided I wasn’t going to continue to reach out anymore to him, only to get burned again. I also think is why I am still mad at her. I blame her for what has happened to my relationship with my dad. I know he thinks less of me for walking away. He said to me ‘I thought you were stronger than that’… I said ‘well, you were wrong’ and walked away.

Anyway, I had knots in my stomach… and had trouble getting to sleep. When I woke up I was okay, until I remembered what had happened. Back to feeling queasy. I then checked my phone and saw the message from my dad and had a nice cry in the shower.

I am a coward but I don’t care anyway. I am who I am and I can’t help that. This is the first time I ever told my Dad how I really feel, usually I just put on a brave face and pretend I am okay. When my dad tries to call me again, I won’t be answering. It’ll probably be tonight but I’m just not ready. I have really exposed my true feelings and it’s scary. I feel raw and exposed.

Sorry for the post. But I need to get it all out. I saw a psychologist a few years ago, but it was when I was quite depressed and seeing the doctor and going to work 3 times a week were literally all I did. The rest of the time I was in bed, at home and ordering takeaway food. Unfortunately the half-rebated Medicare appointments were all used up before I could even get to my family issues.        

Thanks for reading if you did. 

♡Missy

Oh yeh…

That's right. I must have forgotten I had a blog?!

I get so caught up reading (and occasionally commenting on) other bloggies that I neglect my own. It’s funny cos I am constantly seeing things or buying things and being all ‘I am so going to blog about that!” and then... nothing.  

I have been pretty busy and yet I haven’t really done anything, so to speak.

Some things that have been going on;

♡ I have put on so much weight, it’s scary. I keep trying to jump back on the healthy/clean eating bus but fall flat on my bum when I see something yummy.

♡ I have been spending way way wayyyy too much money.

♡ I have bought a whole  new hair care system (Nioxin)

♡ My younger brother asked me a month or so ago if I wanted to go to the US with him and our little sister to go see the Rolling Stones, and of course I was all heck to the yeh (whose says no)… and then he said it was his shout, and I was like ‘say what?’… Can you believe it? I sure didn’t. I was of course super excited but thought it probably wouldn’t happen and that he was in dream land dancing with the pixies.

♡ ... yet somehow in 1 week and 4 days I will be on a plane to NYC!

♡ I am not exactly a Rolling Stones fan, so… I have massive guilt about that, but I don’t think my little sister is either. And who would turn down a trip to New York?! I have been brushing up bigtime though. turns out I do like some of their songs.

♡ At first I thought the trip was to Atlanta, Georgia… Don’t ask me why… but short story there was discussion and subsequent confusion (on my part) regarding a casino. I thought he said Atlanta but he was talking about Atlantic City which is NOT in Georgia. Derp. It’s New Jersey, which as we all know was devastated by the Super Storm, so I don’t know if the casino trips are still in the works (my brother is Poker player).

♡ So, did I mention I am going to NYC?! We are staying right near Times Square! Eeek. I can’t believe how soon it is?! 11 days!

♡ My boss is freaking out about me going away. It’s only for 10 days. Chill, Broseph. {side note; my phone just beeped, like the quietest most tranquil notification available and it blew his mind "Ahhh, what was that"... Calm down. end note}

♡ Being that the trip is so soon and was kind of a surprise, I have not saved any money. That sucks. I also don’t have credit cards (cannot. be. trusted)… So I don’t think I will be buying much, even though I want to. I want to so bad. Haha.

So more on that soon- Including my wish list abroad, my travel/packing plan, plane survival plan and what I want to see in NYC!

I also plan to blog about, among other things, my new Nioxin hair care plan (which I haven’t started), my new skincare plan (which I have started and may I just say ‘hello soft skin’), my makeup hauls, my Asian goodies (ie: Daiso) hauls, my ever growing collection of Glasshouse candles, et al .

I missed you blog!

{le me indulging in a Starbucks Gingerbread Frappuccino. I love Gingerbread!}

{couldn’t resist buying some Travel books at lunchtime today… So excited!}

I cannot believe how lucky I am to being going to NYC.

♡Missy

Me? Versatile? Why Thank You!

Thanks Kim from Aquarian Woman for the award *cheesy grin*

The rules of the award are as follows:

1. Add the award to your blog.
2. Thank the blogger who gave it to you and post a link to their blog.
3. Mention 7 random things about yourself.
4. List the rules.
5. Give the award to 15 bloggers.
6. Inform each of those 15 bloggers by leaving a comment on their blog.

So, 7 random facts… Hmmm

Happy (belated) Australia Day!!

Just wanted to wish you all a Happy Australia Day, even if it's belated! 

source: google images (and on a meat pie please! geddit? haha)

I didn’t actually do anything especially Aussie to celebrate the day, but I did have a really great day nonetheless!

I got to see my Baby Bender!!!!

He looked different to me, darker than I remember, I guess that’s what happens when you haven’t seen someone for a while… He wasn’t upset with me or anything; in fact it was just like old times.

At first he was bit surprised to see me there when he came into my room, but I scooped him up and gave him some serious smooching. *sigh

I miss him so much.

He looks okay, no matted fur or anything, so I am happy about that. He also has a girlfriend… or at least some girl kitty called “Misty” who feels free to come inside the house to find him. Haha. Cute. 

My nephews were with me in my room when Bender came in; I held myself together, gave him his cuddles and let them play with him in my room while I continued to pack some of my stuff and tidy up… But as soon as they left, I clambered onto my bed to pat him, and within moments, there were tears. I am a bit of a sook.

Snuggled up against my bag!

I miss him, I miss him, I miss him!!!!

I had to pick him up and carry him out when I was ready to go. He was so relaxed, he wouldn't leave my room. He then walked with me outside and sat in the driveway as I drove away. He is such a darling cat. 

I also saw the puppy. He is HUGE! He is like a full grown German Shepard size wise, but all lanky and awkward like a teenage boy going through a growth spurt… SO CUTE! No pics though cos he was jumping up all over me! He can put his paws on my shoulders! He is only 4 months old! And I am nearly 170 cms tall (for some perspective). He nearly pushed me in the pool! Haha. So cute! Next time I go there to visit, I will definitely get pics. He’s adorable!

I also saw my sister...

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!


I still haven't decided if I will attend my family Christmas party yet. I'm anticipating some serious awkwardness... And that makes me want to avoid it but at the same time, I don't want to not be there just because of one family member, I think I will regret it *sigh decisions, decisions

I am going to Yarraglen to have Christmas brunch with my brother and his baby mama (and good friend, great actually) and my niece... So at least I am doing "something". I was planning on pretending it was any old day.

I would go to my family dinner if I could persuade my bro and co to come too. The level of awkwardness would be considerably lowered if I went with them.

Have a great day everyone!

Oh and meanwhile, on a whim, I decided to try a faux tan for the first time ever (meaning I have never self tanned)! The night before Christmas?! Crazy talk! I used St Tropez tanning mousse... I only did it about 2 hours ago... It actually looks pretty good so far, but I haven't washed the "guide tan" off yet, I will do that on Christmas morning... Makes me feel thinner too, which is always a good thing :D review pending.


♡Missy

Christmas Grinch...

Thanks for your comment on my last post, LH

I totally understand how you feel! Family drama is one of the hardest to deal esp when I see friends with families who are extremely close knit and I think, why am I not like them? But now I've pretty much given up on having any sort of close knit relationship and I'm just taking baby steps and seeing how things go and being civil.

And with your animal thing, if I were you, I would have just taken them to my new place. I cried when I had to put my cats in the cattery when our apartment flooded. I know I'm a legit crazy cat lady. I totally miss my babies when I leave the place!

I actually started to write a reply to your comment, but then it got massive and I realised, heck, this is a post all on its' own.

My sister knows how much Bender means to me, which is precisely why she forced me to return him. I did technically steal him and had planned to keep him, and I even thought I'd gotten away with it without much fuss. But then she used my nephews as leverage for me to return him (I had even asked my nephews if it was okay, and they seriously didn't care!) and she would have gotten my Dad involved and why would he, or anyone, support me, when she would say my nephews miss their cat?! It's blindingly clear she's doing it to hurt me and she couldn’t care less how the cat feels, or even how her children feel (like I said, I asked, and they didn't mind). She is not an animal person. She's barely even a people person.   

I literally think about him all the time. I too am a legit crazy cat lady... My sister knows that too- She used to say I was the crazy cat lady from The Simpsons and even gave me the figurine, which I think was intended to be insulting... Pfft, I'm proud of it, it's sitting on my desk right now, as we speak- or I type I mean. I love my pets and I’m not ashamed, but I couldn’t let her keep using them as a way to get to me… Well, it is still getting to me (obviously), but I can’t let her know that. I know I sound crazy… but I’m not being overly dramatic, I promise. She wants to hurt me She wants to punish for me for not letting her stand over me anymore.

And proud of it!

I hate myself or not being able to stand up to her and take Bender... I'm exhausted by her and all the drama and abuse… It fuels her, she loves it- thrives off it. Lives for it. Even now, my anger is all built up inside of me, it makes me feel ill. I'm not even going to Christmas this year- cutting off my nose to spite my myself, I guess...Yep, I'll be on my own for Christmas and I'll be the only one who notices. I wouldn't dare inflict the terrible mood I will be in, due to missing out on my usual family Christmas, on anyone else so I won't be going anywhere. I cannot stand her and don't want to be anywhere near her. I will explode if I do. She'll use my absence against me, but I've gotten to the point where she can say whatever she wants about me now. I’m over it. The people who really know me (incl. family) will know what she says is complete bulldust, and if they don't already know it, why should I let it bother me.  Saddest part about that… I think my own Father will be someone who will believe all she says. I’m sick of being second best to everyone.

I'm so hurt by all of this... Bender being kept from me is just the dagger in my heart.

♡Missy

The heart grows fonder...

On Sunday I went to my old home to pack up some more things... and saw my little darling Bender- okay, you got me, that is the real reason I went. *wink*

I was nervous about returning... I had yet another text-war with my sister on the Saturday evening. When I say war, what I mean is that I am civil... and she goes off her rocker. Some of the memorable insults were that I am a 'slack cow,' 'a freeloader' 'selfish', but the worst, and most worrying, was the threat that selfish people will get what selfish people deserve... And I hate that I thought it, but my mind went straight to 'what is she going to do?' I thought burn down my room, hurt my darling cat... Honestly, these are the things I feel she is capable of. Would she go ahead and do it? I really don't know... But it says a lot that I thought it though. I also mentioned it to my bestie and when I mentioned what I feared, she even said she didn't want to say it, but that was exactly where her mind went too.

?! What am I dealing with here?! I live in fear of her, and what extent she might go to hurt me. That's crazy right?! But the fact that my best friend thought it as well, made me feel that I am not just over-reacting.

I stopped replying to her texts, because there was no point. I just forwarded them to my Dad. In my mind, if he can justify the way she treats me, then he can deal with it. He told me he called her and that it was 'okay now'...

My arrival was confrontational *sigh

I was in my car, psyching myself up, and my Dad's car was still there, so I felt slightly relived that my buffer was around... As I approached the door, my heart beating fast, sweaty palms... The door opened before I got there. Yep, my Dad was leaving just as I was arriving, and my sister was right there saying goodbye (so was Bender). My Dad tried to make a joke 'Oh, you remember (my sisters' name) don't you?' (hardy har, nice try but no dice with me). She laughed and acted very jovial... I said 'er yeh' and just made a bee-line for my bedroom and shut the door.

I am not a faker. I actually can't do it. I'm most probably not making it any easier on myself, or anyone really. I haven't even looked my sister in the eye for a long time (early November), so I'm not about to go along pretending nothing is wrong with someone who says such awful things to me, am I?! I can't do it. And it pains me even more that she has the ability to pretend like nothing happened before- like the big blow-up and that, again, only a few days prior she was calling me horrible names again, when I literally say nothing bad about her, no name calling, nothing to provoke. All that was happening was me being blamed for things that were not my fault. At all. It's amazing, really. The one thing I did say, after being blamed for a plethora of things, was 'always blaming someone else' and that was after a barrage of texts, sprinkled with profanity. That's it. That's me, "being horrible."  That was followed by 3 or 4 more texts, once which included 'stop texting loser'-- which I thought was strange, considering I had sent the ratio of 1 text to her 4. It's like a lot of the things she says to me... They should really be directed at herself. Like blaming me for things going wrong with her life... They aren't my fault. Not one bit. Other people have said that too... Like my mum, brother, my best friend. My dad has said to me, in her defence... that I am the only one she can take it out on or that "she's angry at the world"... Um, and that makes it okay?

Playing happy families cos my Dad was around at the front door and just pretending like she hadn't said what she had said only a few days before?! I can't do it! Is that wrong?! Am I wrong? Am I supposed to pretend it was all fine and ok with me?! Seriously? I don't know. I am so hurt, I can't do it. I won't do it!!! Not anymore. I also don't want her thinking... 'ahh I'm forgiven'... and that it's okay to treat me that way. It's not. It's not okay anymore.

I can't look her in the eyes because I feel if I l do, she will see all the pain she has caused me. My eyes don't lie. And, I would be happy to be wrong here, but I feel she takes pleasure from knowing she hurts me.

~♥~

It had been nearly 2 weeks since I had seen Bender... During that time, on many occasions I wanted to go back just to see him. Like, not even go inside, just see him outside, give him a pat and some cuddles, so he knew I was still around.

Leaving him was bad enough and I avoided visiting him because I feared seeing him again and then saying goodbye again would be hard. I was right. It was hard. But, I am happy I went and got to see him. It was a bitter sweet reunion. I am glad that he is okay, glad that he obviously still loves me, but sad that I had to say goodbye and maybe gave him false hope that I was back. I saw signs that he is a slightly unhappy... I mean he is being fed, he has shelter etc, but like me, he is an emotional eater... and, like me, let's just say, he's piled on some pounds! He is also not grooming himself like he would normally, but when he came into my room for some cuddles, he started grooming, like he could relax.

I miss him most at night... He used to sleep with me. I'm lonesome without him. In the past 2 weeks, I would catch myself wondering what he was doing, wondering if he was waiting for me to come home, feeling sad I wasn't strong enough to still be there. Feeling like the bad guy.

When he first saw me on Sunday (at the front door, as my Dad was leaving), it was soooo cute. He saw me, looked perplexed, and his eyes grew large as if to say 'huh? Is what I'm seeing real?! Is it really her?!' He would have rubbed his eyes, in disbelief, if he could, I'm sure. Unfortunately, at the time I went straight upstairs and didn't get to say hello properly- the whole front door confrontation was too much for me, but he came and 'knocked' on my bedroom door about 5 mins later... by knocked I mean incessant scratching and the old familiar meowwwww. Mmm, I misssssss him soooooo much.

Posing

I have to admit, Smokey is enjoying being the only cat in the house. But the thing with old man Smokey is that he is Mr. Independent. He doesn't mind the odd cuddle, but overall, he likes his space, and gets a bit agro with me if I coddle him too much. Bender was like the answer to all my pet prayers... He loves a cuddle, anytime, anyplace. There is never a limit to his affection. It's amazing. I miss that.

Here is Smokey, looking like a kitten, even though he will be 10 this February (I actually thought it was last Feb, but found his birth certificate in the move, haha). That face is the look I get after I have annoyed him by calling his name a number of times for a photo op... What? What do you want?! Still cute though!!

 I also got to see the puppy!!! My sister and the kids had left, on foot (her car was still there) and I *assumed* they would have taken the puppy with them... I mean why not? Why, when you have a puppy, would you not take them with you? Anyway, I went outside for a sticky beak anyway and OH MY GOSH, adorable to the max! I wish I had taken a picture, but I went out there empty handed, and luckily, cos he was all over me like a rash!! I kept saying 'do you remember me, do you remember me???!' I think he did! So gorgeous! Tripled in size, easily... It had been 2 weeks to the day that I last saw him. I wasn't expecting him to be so big, but he is!

So sad to say goodbye, and to Bender too, but I was still filled with love after having seen them. I do still get that hollow, I miss them, feeling... but, what can you do?! Taking what I can get.

♡Missy

Giving up...

I had yet another bad weekend.

I went to go get my cat, Smokey, from my old home, and also decided to take the other cat as well. I did technically cat-nap him… But for the past 4 years that I have lived there, it has been ME who has fed and loved him. Me who saved him from being tortured by my nephews… It was with me and on my bed where he slept every night. And it was my lap that he curled up on in the evenings. My sister actually let a complete stranger “adopt” his mother, and it was clear it was me who was affected most by the death of his brother… I have lived with and LOVED that cat for the past 4 out of his 5 years on this earth. Unfortunately for me, my sister knows this… And on the night of our fight, she threatened me that I would never see him or the puppy again… Looks like her threat is becoming reality.

Feeling helpless...

Thanks for the support, Jemma and Emma (ahh, I do like Rhymes).

I started to move some of my belongings last night. I felt free as I drove along Beach Road towards the place I will now call home… But, as I got closer, it sunk in that this is for real. Once I move out there is no going back.

I’m really worried. 

After one of my sisters’ episodes (the BIG one) I thought to myself, this is her rock bottom, surely… Feeling somewhat relieved that after reaching this low point, she’d realise her wrong-doings and actually do what she needs to be doing (looking after her children etc)… But no, she hasn’t and I’m wondering if she ever will. And if that wasn’t rock-bottom, than I fear for what rock-bottom is like. I really do. 

You saw the pictures of the beautiful puppy we have… Well, I have been trying to distance myself from him and his sweet puppy dog eyes, as the more time I spend with him, the more in love I become… and the more attached we both are. This morning, and other mornings too, but this morning especially upset me… I went into his jail area, to find the whole floor slippery wet with wee…  his water bowl empty and no food. I fill it up and his food bowl too… Who knows when she’ll be back. I clean the floor so at least it isn’t wet so he won’t slip over, which as anyone with experience with German Shepherds would know is like begging for hip injury, not to mention just how disgusting and unfair it is. I am already late for work, as I have been every morning since we got the puppy, cos unlike her I can’t walk away and leave him in that mess and with no food or at the least water. I did the same thing last night… When, she went upstairs, I finally felt as though I could be downstairs (lately I have been going straight up to my room)but  I was faced with a wet with wee floor, which I had to mop and a poor little puppy basically covered in his own wee. 

It’s just f*cked. 

As of tomorrow I won’t be living at that house anymore. My furniture gets moved out tomorrow and I will no longer have a bed there…  I think I have to tell my dad… It is technically his dog, although my sister clearly got him with the intention of being able to parade him around as her own, yet not take care of him. I will ask my dad if I can take the puppy with me… At least I will take care of him. My sister moans about all the things she has to do… Yet she does NOTHING. I’m in shock and so angry. And helpless because I am work, and she’s off enjoying herself, while the puppy is in prison and swimming in his own wee.

♡Missy

Moving on...

Hi Guys…

Oh my, I have been having a really really tough time lately. 

My last post introduced you to my Dad’s birthday present puppy… I admitted I had fallen in love, head over heels in fact. And though it pains me, I actually have to leave him.

In my past posts, I have mentioned my pet family and how much they mean to me… But other than them, my home life is awful. I posted about trouble I was having with my sister and it has gotten worse. A lot worse. I don’t deserve to be treated the way I have, and it breaks my heart to leave, but I have to.

I have broken down in tears many times… And even people who don’t know my situation noticed something was wrong.

I feel like I have been backed into a corner, and my sister knows how much I LOVE my family and my pets, which I think is why she thought she could treat me so badly and that I wouldn’t do anything about it (ie: leave). My family (who don’t live with me) and my friends all think it’s time I moved out and most thought I should have long ago… But, my God, it is so much easier said than done. Luckily for me, my Mum has offered to let me live with her. She lives in Port Melbourne… Life will be great there. No doubt about it. But I am extremely apprehensive about leaving my babies… But I have to, for my own sanity.

I think, due to being so unhappy at home, I put all of my affection and adoration into my pets, and as everyone knows, pets give unconditional love… and now I have to leave them. It breaks my heart and is what has kept me there so long… And worse still, I know it will be used against me. She has already told me before ‘for someone who claims to love their family so much, you sure are selfish’… This is all due to her selfishness and just abusing my kindness and taking advantage of me. And then using it against me. 

It probably sounds like I’m a bit of a Drama Queen, and I wish I could tell you the back story…  

I feel broken.

She said things to me that I will never forget.

♡Missy

Puppy Power!

We got a new PUPPY!!!!

He is un-named at the moment, but oh my God... My heart is officially stolen!!!

Check out the floppy ears!!!

He's so black, you can't even see him on his bed...

 Haven't even had him for 24 hours yet... So, be prepared for puppy picture onslaught!

♡Missy

In a rut

Hi Guys!

I have been in a rut lately. Had a bit of a rough few months at home, which has actually finally made me realise that I can’t expect, or continue to wait in hope, that other people will make changes in their life- I just have to take my happiness into my own hands for once.

I guess I had a bit of a co-dependency issue with "her", but I’m not sure if that’s the right term… But what I mean is that I was enabling her and she was enabling me. Anyway, she just recently did some things that highlighted issues that I had allowed to lurk in the shadows… I mean I knew these problems existed but I didn’t want to do anything about them or be the one to make any changes in fear of rocking the boat.

See, one of my bigger issues is worrying about other people- worrying about them in general and also worrying about how they would feel if I were to worry about myself for once. Damn, I wish I was better at using the right words to convey what I mean, while still being diplomatic and not giving it all away… But basically, I have spent a lot of time (too many years) putting myself at the bottom of the list and putting other peoples’ needs above my own… without realising that no one had me, or my feelings, high on their list either…  So, now, after many years of being in this situation, someone who I was ‘helping’, someone who ‘needed’ me, someone who I made sacrifices for, has made it so glaringly obvious that they were taking advantage of me (and, if given the chance, will continue to do so), that I now have no choice but to act… to rock the boat, to ruffle some feathers and to put myself and my needs first… And I guess to stand up for myself, finally.

I have been doing a lot of thinking… I’m pretty annoyed at myself for not being wiser and not seeing things how they really were… I gave this person the benefit of the doubt, against what people advised- or at least invested too much of myself in their recovery. I feel like I took a gamble on someone, and lost out big time… Something worth so much more than money. I lost time. 

Issues with family suck. Many years ago, when things really truly got to boiling point, I was there when I was needed… Even though I got nothing but grief out of it (and when I say grief.., I really mean a crap-load of heartache and emotional abuse for no reason other than the perpetrator getting satisfaction out of seeing me hurt). Nothing I ever did was enough and even the small amount that was noticed, was certainly not appreciated or given any value. I was made to feel guilty for things that were out of my control, made to “pay” for debts that were not my own and still never doing enough. Ever since I was born, I have to admit, I have been seen as an inconvenience. 

I hope someone out there understands what I mean.

Anyway, last year I went to Camp Eden, a wellness resort in QLD, with my sister. It was pretty great… and at times confronting. We went there to relax, pamper, look after our health, stop smoking and detox from some self-medicating that was going on. I had to confront obvious fears (like heights, flying foxes, bugs- and tonnes of hilarity ensued) but there was also another part of the program that prompted really deep thinking. The Eden Program. 

It was the kind of thing when they say one little thing and it just totally opens your mind and enlightens you in ways you may not have even known needed any thought. It was a daily part of the Camp Eden experience, though nothing is compulsary, and some sessions were like workshops, were we would be told all these enlightening, yet non-specific, things, which we would then have time to workshop (in pairs, usually) to our own specific needs. Here’s where my problem came into play. You see, I was at Camp Eden with the instigator of a lot of my problems… And, we were nearly always paired together. So, I really couldn’t speak freely… I just let her go on about her troubles. And believe me, that is how it usually goes. 

Anyway, one day my sister didn’t do the Eden Program… she was having a facial, and it was so annoying, as they were talking about letting go, accepting responsibilities, not blaming other people for your own problems etc etc, and all I kept thinking was ‘trust my sister to miss this part”. The things I thought she needed to hear most. As the workshop went on… I realised I too needed to hear it. It was really all about taking responsibility for your own… um… your own, everything, I guess. And the thing I found most helpful from Camp Eden was the notion that the only thing you can control is yourself. You can’t control someone else’s’ actions, only how you allow their actions to affect you. Grr, I just cannot put it clearly, but, my gosh, I swear I was enlightened like crazy. It was so thought-provoking and overwhelming for me, that when it came time to workshop in pairs, I had nothing written down to share…

 I spent so much time being caught up in my sisters’ problems, I failed to notice my own- Even when I was at this workshop, I was still thinking about her problems… Until, bang, I realised I wasn’t doing myself any good… You know how they say ‘you can lead a horse to water but you can make him drink’. That is my situation. I can listen, empathise, sympathise, try and help, try and offer advice, be as understanding as can be, try and help lessen the burden, making her problems my own, but if she does nothing to change her own situation- the same situation she got herself into, why am I wasting my life talking to a brick wall, listening to the same broken record over and over again?! I guess I have come to realise that some people must like being miserable, they must enjoy being able to tell anyone who will listen all of their problems, without ever bothering to help themselves. I guess it’s easier to wallow then it is to take responsibility and change things. Well not me, not this time, anyway.  

The thing is… with family, you can’t just walk away. Right? I still have to offer support, just not at the expense of my own welfare, anymore.  

Just one example of the manifestation of my unhappiness is that after having lost the same excess weight over and over, one would think I may have learnt that you can’t just diet to lose weight and then eat like a pig and not exercise and expect not to gain weight. I don’t know why I did it, or why I continue to do it, but as of tomorrow I am back on Lite’n’Easy (I was on it years ago, for convenience and weight loss and again I need it for both). I am looking to shift about 10 kilos… I don’t want to go on my hard core diet again; I just need some balance… And in the emotional state I am at the moment, I am unable to make healthy food choices for myself and end up binge eating like crazy. I also got another coupon for Contours and I am going there tomorrow!

♡Missy

P.S- I like how I started off trying not to mention who I was complaining about, but in the end I guess it's obvious who I am talking about.