Friday, December 2, 2011

thank you... and the back story

I cannot thank you guys enough for your kind words on my last post

Kiki Chaos, thanks and you’re right; you can think about and care for more than one thing at a time. I was feeling guilty for feeling like I was putting too much of a burden on my dad. He has so many things on his mind. I feel like a sook, but I'm also feeling really disconnected from him now... I feel like he threw me like a 'lamb to the slaughter' and like my sisters' needs are more important than mine.

Thanks MissR… I was starting to feel like I was alone in thinking how important the seemingly simple things were to pets. When I told my bestie about all wee and number two’s that were everywhere, she thought that was pretty normal during puppy training. Hmm, that made me think I was being overly sensitive... but thinking back, she probably didn’t understand the extent of the mess. It’s impossible to clean up mess when you’re not there, I understand that, but when you are there and actively avoiding it… well, there’s no excuse.

Emma, I wish I could do more, I felt I had to let go of them. *sigh

Thanks Elegantlee, I truly wish I didn’t have to return them… I really do. I was hyperventilating through tears on my way home from dropping Bender off on Monday evening. I haven’t cried like that for a long long time. I felt my heart squeezing in my chest… You know the feeling where it feels like it’s cramping and you just hope it will start beating again, and you just can’t catch your breath?! Even right now, thinking about it, tears well up in my eyes. I miss him, a lot. And I worry about him and the puppy too. This was a losing battle for me… My sisters’ goal here is to hurt me… I’ve had to accept that (after everyone telling me).

(worlds' longest post coming up...)

In reality she does have actual “ownership” over the cat, even though it was me who took care of him and me who loved him. And the puppy, well, he is technically my Dad's, so again, no actual ownership from my perspective, and that is also why my Dad let me take him over the weekend... But, my sister is quite good at hiding things from my Dad, so he doesn't really know the half of it.

My sister owned his Benders' Mother, who gave birth to 5 kittens. She actually only wanted to keep one, Bindi… and all the others had been found homes, but I convinced her to keep little Bender as well, cos I just thought he was uber adorable. When we all moved in together, 4 years ago, my cat also joined the group. Now there were 4 cats in the one house. At that stage the little kitties (Bender and Bindi) were only 1 years old, and their Mum wasn’t enjoying life with them and she felt even more out of place with my cat on the scene too. Though she came home occasionally, essentially she moved out. One day an elderly couple came to our door, said they had been feeding her, and asked if they could formally adopt her. My sister hardly even hesitated…

I really bonded with Bender and Bindi… Bender was a piece of cake to bond with, but Bindi was another story. He was almost wild in some ways. He would run a mile if he saw a human… Mainly because of my nephews, I guess… They were about 3 and 6 at the time, and as terrible as this sounds, if they were “playing” with the cats my sister didn’t mind what was happening, as it meant they weren’t annoying here. I don’t feel that way, and if the kids were quiet and I didn’t know where the cats were, I investigated... and it was usually a case of the cats being held against their will (it wasn’t all that bad, they weren’t trying to hurt them, I don’t think, but the look on the cats’ faces screamed “save me!” and the second the kids would loosen their grip, the cats would bolt).

It took me awhile to gain Bindi’s trust but when I did, it was the best. He was so loving and sweet… even quite demanding at times. I could not walk into the house without being bombarded by him and Bender, vying for my attention. I loved every minute of it. He slept on me, not just on my bed, literally on me, every single night… And he was first on my lap in the evening. I was devastated when he was hit by a car. Absolutely devastated. I went through a depression, definitely, and it took a long time to come out of the black cloud. My heart broke for Bender too, losing his brother, his best mate, and we became closer as a result. Losing Bender now, feels like I lost him like I lost Bindi. I know he is still there and still enjoying many things he did when I was still living with him, but like when you lose a pet to death, I am missing him, missing our interactions… Missing hearing him meow for me when I get home for work. Wondering if he is wondering where I am and why I left.

When I went to Canada at the beginning of 2010, both cats went into hiding and they both had matted fur... and were actually upset with me when I finally returned.

When I dropped Bender off on Monday, I didn’t go inside the house, I just let him out at the front of the house and Bender meowed and looked back at me like ‘well? Come on, aren’t you coming?’ *sigh… I had to drive away (he has cat access to the house, by the way). I did do a loop around the block, to make sure he went inside and he wasn’t visible to me as I drove past, so I kept going. I also messaged my sister to let her know he was back… and really, we are not on speaking terms… Well, I’m not with her, and her reply was “X. thanks”… F YOU, I thought. She knows what it would have done to me to return him. Makes me even sadder knowing that she would know.

During the time I had effectively cat-napped Bender, she didn't message, call or enquire in any way about how he was or even where he was... but on that Monday morning when I noticed 2 messages she had sent me just after 9am. 1st one: When are you returning my cat. or do I have to come get him. 2nd: kids cat, not yours.

Just petty nit picking. Firstly, I did ask the kids if they minded... They knew as much as anyone that Bender is mostly my cat more than anyone's, neither of them batted an eyelid when I asked if it was okay that he stayed with me, it was like it was expected... I burst into tears when I read her messages. I knew I couldn't win. If she was going to play the it's-the-children's card... I had no chance. I wrote a long, sad and angry text message letting her know I knew what she was doing, but after I thought about it, I didn't send it... I didn't want to play into her games. I had called my mum, hysterical, while at work, and she said not to let her know it was getting to me... I kept saying that she knows, she already knows... I know she knows. Not a doubt in my mind. This was all about her control over me, my mum said. I do understand that it is probably the case, but it's so hard for me to swallow... Why would she want to do this to me?! Her sister... And to the cat? And then using the kids as the excuse??

When I was talking to my BF about it, he said the way she is treating me is as though I have done something unbelievably bad to her… And I know exactly what I did. I stopped letting her walk all over me, using me and taking advantage of me... As I said in this post, "now, after many years of being in this situation, someone who I was ‘helping’, someone who ‘needed’ me, someone who I made sacrifices for, has made it so glaringly obvious that they were taking advantage of me (and, if given the chance, will continue to do so), that I now have no choice but to act".

I've come to a realisation that my sister has been using certain tactics to have a hold over me. She is constantly putting me down, constantly letting it be known to me that anything I ever do, she could do better. If I ever have an idea or a plan, she takes over completely, but then it never gets finished. If I would put on an outfit, she would criticise it, say I shouldn't or couldn't wear it (as in, couldn't pull it off), making me feel self conscious... I was always stuck and always scared/worried about how anything and everything I did would be taken by her. It's hard to explain. I would often stay home with her, because I would feel guilty that she has to be there with her children. I lost a lot of friends, due to me always saying no to being social. I regret that a lot... Because now, after all these years of me sacrificing for her (my own fault, I guess), she had no trouble leaving me once she got a better offer. And clearly has no regard for my feelings, like I had for hers. She also used to lie and embellish things, like telling me our dad was ashamed of me because of my weight, or that he wanted me to move out so he could move somewhere alone (this was before we all moved in together), when I asked him he had no idea where she got that idea. She takes her own assumptions and tells them to me as if they are fact... She used to tell me that I shouldn't to listen to our mum, because she is always just trying to get between us. I fell for all her lies... Because I trusted her... And had no reason to think she would want to hurt me. I still don't really know why. But putting all the pieces together, it's clear as day.I feel like an idiot.

I feel like I need to explain why I felt as though I had to leave, finally... On the night that I thought was rock bottom, it was about 10pm at night, and I overheard her on the phone planning to go to an ex’s house on the other side of town, she was getting driving directions to his house. She was drunk. And was obviously planning to leave her kids with me without even so much as a word (wouldn't be the first time, a few times in the past few months she would say "just popping out for a minute- late on a weeknight like 8 or 9pm, and not return for hours). I admit I didn’t even like the idea of her going to the ex’s house anyway- he’s bad news… honest.

For the past 12 or so years I have listened to her telling me it was him who robbed our house out of revenge for them breaking up, true or not, if she even thought it, he must be kind of bad news. Add to that he was recently suspected or murder. Yep, you read that right. Murder- so yeh, didn’t sound like the smartest of ideas… Let alone driving there drunk.

Anyway, I went into her line of vision and shook my head… as in ‘not a good idea and I won’t be looking after your kids for this’… she got off the phone and asked what my problem was, I don’t remember what I said but, along the lines of ‘um, hello, you have children to look after and you’re drunk’… She said if I wouldn’t look after them, she would take them with her. (All the things she said to me, by the way, were in the nastiest drunk tone you can imagine). I told her I would call our Dad… Sounds lame, but um, I can’t stop her and didn't want to let her drive off drunk….
P.S- this was the second time in a short period that she was driving drunk and was planning on leaving her kids alone or with me and I had to get my dad involved then too…
SORRY to be all over the place, but quick back story;
I came home one day at about 7pm and my eldest nephew was home alone (just turned 11 years old), I asked where his mum and his brother were  “dunno, she said they was just going for a drive”… mmm, ok. He can be shady on details at the best of times, they could have been gone for 5mins for all I knew… I went upstairs to get ready to meet my BF, I came down at about 8:30 pm, and saw he had gotten a stuffed toy and placed it in the entrance to the house, like in the hallway in front of the front door, with a note… it read;
Welcome home guys! P.S- where have you been? PPS- What’s for dinner? PPS- I love you mum
Pretty sad if you ask me. Not long after that she sent me a message asking if I was home and if so could I tell my nephew that she would be home soon and that she would be bringing McDonalds. I replied that I was home, but was leaving in about 30mins, which would be 9pm. She replied she would be home at about 9:15pm. He was elated. I didn't tell her but I was planning on waiting until 9:15, cos I don’t feel comfortable leaving him alone and 15 mins isn’t all that long to wait. In the meantime my Dad called me up to say hello, I said I was going out, just waiting for my sister to come home cos I don’t want to leave my nephew alone, he tells me, my nephew was alone when he had left at 2pm!!! That’s not right… 10 pm rolls around, and my nephew is sitting next to me in the lounge room… We’re still just sitting there waiting for them to come home. I finally had had enough at 10:30pm and rang her up… She sounded drunk, which obviously I didn't know while text messaging her, and asked what was wrong like as if she hadn't told me she was coming home, obvious to me that she was around other people and putting on an act… ‘WHERE ARE YOU?’ I asked, ‘you were supposed to be here nearly an hour ago’… ‘What’s the big deal?’ She asked ‘It’s only 8:30’… “TRY 10:30!!!! And your son is still waiting for the dinner you promised him an hour ago” I said. I hung up and my darling nephew knew I was angry and said it was ok, he didn’t mind, and that he was sorry I was stuck there waiting with him. I assured him I didn’t mind being there with him, and that it wasn’t the point… I excused myself and went upstairs away from little ears and called my Dad, told him she was drunk and had promised to be home, and even though I had said I would be gone by a certain time, she still didn’t come home… He asked me where she was, but I didn’t know… Anyway, he came over, so he car was in the driveway when my sister arrived… but he was in the bathroom, doing his hair while waiting… I was upstairs too… and she came in the house and quickly took my nephew to go get food, clearly to evade my Dad… and I heard her say to my nephew “I don’t know what the big  f-ing deal is, you could have made yourself a vegemite sandwich”.. They were gone before I even knew they had left. Shoot. Dad you missed her! He asked me where they would have gone and I said maybe McDonalds… My Dad said he was going to go look for her… She was drunk remember, hence the urgency, and also had my younger nephew with her the whole time.

About 10 minutes later, he came home cos he couldn’t find her. He was asking me where else she could be but I had no idea. I only knew that she had re-connected with old school friends (through facebook, I swear all this rubbish has started since facebook! trying to re-live her teenage years I guess), and it turned out they lived in our same suburb, but I had no idea where.

So, he waited around and yeh, when she finally arrived she was drunk and trying to act like she wasn’t. She had gone to a fastfood place that was further away (another attempt to be sure my Dad wouldn't be home, she didn't know it was me who called him). My dad saw right through it. Not really my business, so I left the room, so I don’t know what was said, but he called me later and told me he had words with her and she had promised she wouldn’t drink anymore because she knows ‘she can’t’ (she is a Cadbury… glass and half and she’s drunk and on top of that, she doesn't stop at one, two or goodness knows...).
Anyway, back to the original story…
I called my dad and simply said “she’s at it again...” That was all I had to say, and he came over right away. He was local, so it was only 10mins. She was trying to act as though everything was fine and my dad was just sussing out the situation, trying not to cause a fight. Then I walked by, and then she just could hold back… called me a snitch (hmm, ok) and said I was jealous cos I’m a fat c word, that just sits on my as$ all day, with no life, she’s sick of paying for me (no idea what she thinks she’s pays for me) and that she’s not my mother blah blah blah… It got worse, much much worse and the language was just disgusting.

Firstly the things she was saying about me were beside the point; the issue was her being drunk and planning to drive. She called me a stand over (cos I wouldn’t let her leave her kids with me). I was very calm throughout, as I often am, aside from getting upset and emotional, I don’t resort to name calling or lying and embellishing the truth… She tried to go upstairs but my dad followed her, so it continued and she even had a go at my dad, who has done nothing but help her… We, as his daughters, live rent free in that house with him, oh, well I did live rent free (seeing as I've moved out)…  She rambled on about everyone and anything, totally trying to push to focus off her. She told my dad all my secrets… About me having a BF, which he knew anyway but I am pretty secretive, and that I am covered in tattoos (I have 3, 2 are not visible when clothed the other is on my inner wrist, hardly covered in them, but she knows I didn't want Dad to know as I know he would be disappointed) and she also told him that I was a smoker… Which I also had expressed to her that I wanted to quit (and since that night I haven’t touched one- go me).

Anyway, I don’t know how it ended but my dad came back downstairs and said it was all ok now. So, he left, I heard the hot water system so I knew she was in the shower. My bestie had messaged me and I told her my sister had gone off her rocker but that she was in the shower now… I told her I was worried she was going to come back downstairs for round two… My bestie assured me she’d probably realise how silly she had been, would probably be embarrassed by her behaviour and would just go to bed.
Oh how I wish she was right.

My sister started sending me text messages from upstairs that she was moving out, had already found somewhere to live, and taking the kids, the cat and the dog (she meant puppy too, not the older dog- which I find somewhat deplorable), she sent the same message 3 times, cos I wasn’t reacting to them.

Then she came back downstairs… I was with the puppy… I think it was only his 2nd night with us and Bender was on the couch next to me. She started having a go at me, basically re-iterating everything she had already said, and that I have no life, I’m a loser, I'm ashamed of my Bf, she hates me, never wants to speak to me again (When she said this, I muttered ‘please start now’ as in start not talking to me now), aside from that I had not said anything, which was infuriating her, but if I had said anything to would have infuriated her anyway… lose/lose.

Then she told me I would never see the cat or puppy again, and came and snatched the puppy (who was sleeping) and tried to grab Bender too, but he ran away. Then she was screaming at me while standing above me, with the puppy under her arm- I was on the couch. She had her first in my face threatening to ‘smash me’… I kept saying ‘please just put the puppy down’… She was trying to find something to throw at me, cos she knew it would have been BIG TROUBLE if she hit me with her fist. She ended up throwing a plastic cup at me, which I deflected… But, upon reflection her knowing not to “hit” me makes me now realise she was aware enough and knew what she was doing. I’m so not violent, I am sure you can all guess that. I rarely raise my voice, and yelling and whatnot makes me shake, visibly. I am a pussycat. And this was all so uncalled for. She told me to go to bed/get out/F off etc...

So, I went outside and called my Dad and stayed out there for about 20mins until he could get there. She still had the puppy... The cats, however. outside with me to keep me company. When my Dad arrived I stayed outside while he dealt with her. That was pretty much me being done with it all. I stayed outside, in the cold, in my PJs. I was really over her antics. She’s 40 years old by the way. And my Dad is 70. He shouldn’t have to deal with her rubbish. Anyway, he told me it was alright now, but said I should just to go to bed. So, I did.

Next day, I stayed in my room all day (I have a bathroom in there, thankfully), and I was soooo hungry that I finally ventured out at 4pm and was happy to be able to leave without actually seeing her. I went to the local shops and got something to eat and then went and parked at the beach to stuff my sorrows with some emotional eating. I was feeling pretty low. I felt so trapped living there... Having all the things I truly loved there- Dino (the dog), Smokey and Bender (the cats), my nephews, my Dad- was all that made me stay.

My Dad called to see where I was, and then my sister messaged to say ‘Dad wants us to go to dinner, but since you are terrified of me. I guess not. Xx. Let us know’ I am quite sure she enjoys me being so afraid of her. I did go back home. No apology or anything. We got takeout and since then (this was early November) I have barely spoken to her, and I haven’t been able to look her in the eyes since.

A few days after the incident, she made a joke about her "outburst" and justified herself by saying "at least I didn't go punching holes in walls"... Usually I let these things just go, let her think whatever, but I replied 'maybe not, but you wanted to punch a hole in my face'... 'You know I would never hurt you', she said. What a load?! When I told one of my good friends this, she said it sounds as though I am suffering a form of emotional abuse, and like she tries to make me think I am over-reacting... At the time, when she had her fist in my face, practically foaming at the mouth and after all the verbal abuse, I thought she was going to hurt me. She wanted to. Eyes don't lie. I'm just not falling for it anymore. I can't keep allowing myself to be in these positions...

My Dad wanted me to stay. He kept trying to justify and/or excuse her behaviour, by saying things like 'she's not herself' or 'she has a lot on her plate'... I kept trying to explain to him how trapped I feel and how I dread coming home every day- I was getting knots in my tummy from lunchtime onwards, worrying about which sister I was going to be coming home to (the nice one or the horrible one, and lately it had been the horrible one more often than not). She also claims I never do anything to help, and if that was the case, than why would anyone care if I left? In the end, I gave up explaining myself... I had said I was moving, so I did. I had to claim my own happiness. I really felt I had no choice. 

If I forgave her and stayed, I would be just waiting for the next outburst...



  1. I hope things are getting better for you Missy. I am thinking of you and if theres anything I can do let me know.
    I've nominated you for the Liebster Blog Award, an award for those of us with less than 200 followers (and for being a great blog to follow!). The info for the Award is on my blog

  2. Oh Missy :-(

    My heart goes out to you. I hope things clear up for you and can empathise a little (one of my sisters had a very crazy period a few years ago, but thankfully, one day just snapped out of it) but it must be so hard to have an older sister who never really acts like one.

    Being away from her is best for you it just sucks that it means you can't be there for your pets.

    You never know, maybe after being away from them for a while your sister will get bored of them and having to look after them (what little she does) and you might be able to steal them away.

    Keep you chin up Missy xox

  3. Missy I can relate through hard periods. trust me.
    Meanwhile to cheer you up !

    I nominated you for the Liebster Blog Award!

    Check my blog for more details!


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