Saturday, December 24, 2011

"Couture, Couture" Solid Parfum Ring

Little bit of Christmas cheer for myself...

Actually, I'm not gonna lie, I have spoilt myself rotten this year. I was feeling sorry for myself, so I indulged.

I'll put it this way... It's going to be a Juicy Christmas and a Couture New Year!!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

I still haven't decided if I will attend my family Christmas party yet. I'm anticipating some serious awkwardness... And that makes me want to avoid it but at the same time, I don't want to not be there just because of one family member, I think I will regret it *sigh decisions, decisions

I am going to Yarraglen to have Christmas brunch with my brother and his baby mama (and good friend, great actually) and my niece... So at least I am doing "something". I was planning on pretending it was any old day.

I would go to my family dinner if I could persuade my bro and co to come too. The level of awkwardness would be considerably lowered if I went with them.

Have a great day everyone!

Oh and meanwhile, on a whim, I decided to try a faux tan for the first time ever (meaning I have never self tanned)! The night before Christmas?! Crazy talk! I used St Tropez tanning mousse... I only did it about 2 hours ago... It actually looks pretty good so far, but I haven't washed the "guide tan" off yet, I will do that on Christmas morning... Makes me feel thinner too, which is always a good thing :D review pending.


Friday, December 16, 2011

Christmas Grinch...

Thanks for your comment on my last post, LH

I totally understand how you feel! Family drama is one of the hardest to deal esp when I see friends with families who are extremely close knit and I think, why am I not like them? But now I've pretty much given up on having any sort of close knit relationship and I'm just taking baby steps and seeing how things go and being civil.

And with your animal thing, if I were you, I would have just taken them to my new place. I cried when I had to put my cats in the cattery when our apartment flooded. I know I'm a legit crazy cat lady. I totally miss my babies when I leave the place!

I actually started to write a reply to your comment, but then it got massive and I realised, heck, this is a post all on its' own.

My sister knows how much Bender means to me, which is precisely why she forced me to return him. I did technically steal him and had planned to keep him, and I even thought I'd gotten away with it without much fuss. But then she used my nephews as leverage for me to return him (I had even asked my nephews if it was okay, and they seriously didn't care!) and she would have gotten my Dad involved and why would he, or anyone, support me, when she would say my nephews miss their cat?! It's blindingly clear she's doing it to hurt me and she couldn’t care less how the cat feels, or even how her children feel (like I said, I asked, and they didn't mind). She is not an animal person. She's barely even a people person.   

I literally think about him all the time. I too am a legit crazy cat lady... My sister knows that too- She used to say I was the crazy cat lady from The Simpsons and even gave me the figurine, which I think was intended to be insulting... Pfft, I'm proud of it, it's sitting on my desk right now, as we speak- or I type I mean. I love my pets and I’m not ashamed, but I couldn’t let her keep using them as a way to get to me… Well, it is still getting to me (obviously), but I can’t let her know that. I know I sound crazy… but I’m not being overly dramatic, I promise. She wants to hurt me She wants to punish for me for not letting her stand over me anymore.

And proud of it!

I hate myself or not being able to stand up to her and take Bender... I'm exhausted by her and all the drama and abuse… It fuels her, she loves it- thrives off it. Lives for it. Even now, my anger is all built up inside of me, it makes me feel ill. I'm not even going to Christmas this year- cutting off my nose to spite my myself, I guess...Yep, I'll be on my own for Christmas and I'll be the only one who notices. I wouldn't dare inflict the terrible mood I will be in, due to missing out on my usual family Christmas, on anyone else so I won't be going anywhere. I cannot stand her and don't want to be anywhere near her. I will explode if I do. She'll use my absence against me, but I've gotten to the point where she can say whatever she wants about me now. I’m over it. The people who really know me (incl. family) will know what she says is complete bulldust, and if they don't already know it, why should I let it bother me.  Saddest part about that… I think my own Father will be someone who will believe all she says. I’m sick of being second best to everyone.

I'm so hurt by all of this... Bender being kept from me is just the dagger in my heart.


Tuesday, December 13, 2011

The heart grows fonder...

On Sunday I went to my old home to pack up some more things... and saw my little darling Bender- okay, you got me, that is the real reason I went. *wink*

I was nervous about returning... I had yet another text-war with my sister on the Saturday evening. When I say war, what I mean is that I am civil... and she goes off her rocker. Some of the memorable insults were that I am a 'slack cow,' 'a freeloader' 'selfish', but the worst, and most worrying, was the threat that selfish people will get what selfish people deserve... And I hate that I thought it, but my mind went straight to 'what is she going to do?' I thought burn down my room, hurt my darling cat... Honestly, these are the things I feel she is capable of. Would she go ahead and do it? I really don't know... But it says a lot that I thought it though. I also mentioned it to my bestie and when I mentioned what I feared, she even said she didn't want to say it, but that was exactly where her mind went too.

?! What am I dealing with here?! I live in fear of her, and what extent she might go to hurt me. That's crazy right?! But the fact that my best friend thought it as well, made me feel that I am not just over-reacting.

I stopped replying to her texts, because there was no point. I just forwarded them to my Dad. In my mind, if he can justify the way she treats me, then he can deal with it. He told me he called her and that it was 'okay now'...

My arrival was confrontational *sigh

I was in my car, psyching myself up, and my Dad's car was still there, so I felt slightly relived that my buffer was around... As I approached the door, my heart beating fast, sweaty palms... The door opened before I got there. Yep, my Dad was leaving just as I was arriving, and my sister was right there saying goodbye (so was Bender). My Dad tried to make a joke 'Oh, you remember (my sisters' name) don't you?' (hardy har, nice try but no dice with me). She laughed and acted very jovial... I said 'er yeh' and just made a bee-line for my bedroom and shut the door.

I am not a faker. I actually can't do it. I'm most probably not making it any easier on myself, or anyone really. I haven't even looked my sister in the eye for a long time (early November), so I'm not about to go along pretending nothing is wrong with someone who says such awful things to me, am I?! I can't do it. And it pains me even more that she has the ability to pretend like nothing happened before- like the big blow-up and that, again, only a few days prior she was calling me horrible names again, when I literally say nothing bad about her, no name calling, nothing to provoke. All that was happening was me being blamed for things that were not my fault. At all. It's amazing, really. The one thing I did say, after being blamed for a plethora of things, was 'always blaming someone else' and that was after a barrage of texts, sprinkled with profanity. That's it. That's me, "being horrible."  That was followed by 3 or 4 more texts, once which included 'stop texting loser'-- which I thought was strange, considering I had sent the ratio of 1 text to her 4. It's like a lot of the things she says to me... They should really be directed at herself. Like blaming me for things going wrong with her life... They aren't my fault. Not one bit. Other people have said that too... Like my mum, brother, my best friend. My dad has said to me, in her defence... that I am the only one she can take it out on or that "she's angry at the world"... Um, and that makes it okay?

Playing happy families cos my Dad was around at the front door and just pretending like she hadn't said what she had said only a few days before?! I can't do it! Is that wrong?! Am I wrong? Am I supposed to pretend it was all fine and ok with me?! Seriously? I don't know. I am so hurt, I can't do it. I won't do it!!! Not anymore. I also don't want her thinking... 'ahh I'm forgiven'... and that it's okay to treat me that way. It's not. It's not okay anymore.

I can't look her in the eyes because I feel if I l do, she will see all the pain she has caused me. My eyes don't lie. And, I would be happy to be wrong here, but I feel she takes pleasure from knowing she hurts me.


It had been nearly 2 weeks since I had seen Bender... During that time, on many occasions I wanted to go back just to see him. Like, not even go inside, just see him outside, give him a pat and some cuddles, so he knew I was still around.

Leaving him was bad enough and I avoided visiting him because I feared seeing him again and then saying goodbye again would be hard. I was right. It was hard. But, I am happy I went and got to see him. It was a bitter sweet reunion. I am glad that he is okay, glad that he obviously still loves me, but sad that I had to say goodbye and maybe gave him false hope that I was back. I saw signs that he is a slightly unhappy... I mean he is being fed, he has shelter etc, but like me, he is an emotional eater... and, like me, let's just say, he's piled on some pounds! He is also not grooming himself like he would normally, but when he came into my room for some cuddles, he started grooming, like he could relax.

I miss him most at night... He used to sleep with me. I'm lonesome without him. In the past 2 weeks, I would catch myself wondering what he was doing, wondering if he was waiting for me to come home, feeling sad I wasn't strong enough to still be there. Feeling like the bad guy.

When he first saw me on Sunday (at the front door, as my Dad was leaving), it was soooo cute. He saw me, looked perplexed, and his eyes grew large as if to say 'huh? Is what I'm seeing real?! Is it really her?!' He would have rubbed his eyes, in disbelief, if he could, I'm sure. Unfortunately, at the time I went straight upstairs and didn't get to say hello properly- the whole front door confrontation was too much for me, but he came and 'knocked' on my bedroom door about 5 mins later... by knocked I mean incessant scratching and the old familiar meowwwww. Mmm, I misssssss him soooooo much.


I have to admit, Smokey is enjoying being the only cat in the house. But the thing with old man Smokey is that he is Mr. Independent. He doesn't mind the odd cuddle, but overall, he likes his space, and gets a bit agro with me if I coddle him too much. Bender was like the answer to all my pet prayers... He loves a cuddle, anytime, anyplace. There is never a limit to his affection. It's amazing. I miss that.

Here is Smokey, looking like a kitten, even though he will be 10 this February (I actually thought it was last Feb, but found his birth certificate in the move, haha). That face is the look I get after I have annoyed him by calling his name a number of times for a photo op... What? What do you want?! Still cute though!!

 I also got to see the puppy!!! My sister and the kids had left, on foot (her car was still there) and I *assumed* they would have taken the puppy with them... I mean why not? Why, when you have a puppy, would you not take them with you? Anyway, I went outside for a sticky beak anyway and OH MY GOSH, adorable to the max! I wish I had taken a picture, but I went out there empty handed, and luckily, cos he was all over me like a rash!! I kept saying 'do you remember me, do you remember me???!' I think he did! So gorgeous! Tripled in size, easily... It had been 2 weeks to the day that I last saw him. I wasn't expecting him to be so big, but he is!

So sad to say goodbye, and to Bender too, but I was still filled with love after having seen them. I do still get that hollow, I miss them, feeling... but, what can you do?! Taking what I can get.



I got nominated for my first blog award! How excitement!

I was all excited about who I would nominate in return and saw that nearly all of my fave blogs were also nominated!

Liebster is a German word meaning "dearest" and the award is given to blogs with fewer than 200 followers.
The award acceptance has a few stipulations:
  1. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you.
  2. Reveal the five blogs you have chosen and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
  3. Copy and paste the award onto your blog.
  4. Request that people you have sent the award to forward it on to their favourite bloggers.
Firstly, Dankeschön Lee and Ms S for the nomination

And the 5 darling bloggers I nominate for this award are

1. Poptartlr and her blog Dragons & Peacocks
2. Brasilian_Babe and her motherhood career and fashion blog
3. Jaztee and her jazzy blog
4. Jane at Tea and Vegemite Toast
5. Kate at Sugar and Spice and all things nice


Friday, December 2, 2011

thank you... and the back story

I cannot thank you guys enough for your kind words on my last post

Kiki Chaos, thanks and you’re right; you can think about and care for more than one thing at a time. I was feeling guilty for feeling like I was putting too much of a burden on my dad. He has so many things on his mind. I feel like a sook, but I'm also feeling really disconnected from him now... I feel like he threw me like a 'lamb to the slaughter' and like my sisters' needs are more important than mine.

Thanks MissR… I was starting to feel like I was alone in thinking how important the seemingly simple things were to pets. When I told my bestie about all wee and number two’s that were everywhere, she thought that was pretty normal during puppy training. Hmm, that made me think I was being overly sensitive... but thinking back, she probably didn’t understand the extent of the mess. It’s impossible to clean up mess when you’re not there, I understand that, but when you are there and actively avoiding it… well, there’s no excuse.

Emma, I wish I could do more, I felt I had to let go of them. *sigh

Thanks Elegantlee, I truly wish I didn’t have to return them… I really do. I was hyperventilating through tears on my way home from dropping Bender off on Monday evening. I haven’t cried like that for a long long time. I felt my heart squeezing in my chest… You know the feeling where it feels like it’s cramping and you just hope it will start beating again, and you just can’t catch your breath?! Even right now, thinking about it, tears well up in my eyes. I miss him, a lot. And I worry about him and the puppy too. This was a losing battle for me… My sisters’ goal here is to hurt me… I’ve had to accept that (after everyone telling me).

(worlds' longest post coming up...)

Monday, November 28, 2011

Giving up...

I had yet another bad weekend.

I went to go get my cat, Smokey, from my old home, and also decided to take the other cat as well. I did technically cat-nap him… But for the past 4 years that I have lived there, it has been ME who has fed and loved him. Me who saved him from being tortured by my nephews… It was with me and on my bed where he slept every night. And it was my lap that he curled up on in the evenings. My sister actually let a complete stranger “adopt” his mother, and it was clear it was me who was affected most by the death of his brother… I have lived with and LOVED that cat for the past 4 out of his 5 years on this earth. Unfortunately for me, my sister knows this… And on the night of our fight, she threatened me that I would never see him or the puppy again… Looks like her threat is becoming reality.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Feeling helpless...

Thanks for the support, Jemma and Emma (ahh, I do like Rhymes).

I started to move some of my belongings last night. I felt free as I drove along Beach Road towards the place I will now call home… But, as I got closer, it sunk in that this is for real. Once I move out there is no going back.

I’m really worried. 

After one of my sisters’ episodes (the BIG one) I thought to myself, this is her rock bottom, surely… Feeling somewhat relieved that after reaching this low point, she’d realise her wrong-doings and actually do what she needs to be doing (looking after her children etc)… But no, she hasn’t and I’m wondering if she ever will. And if that wasn’t rock-bottom, than I fear for what rock-bottom is like. I really do. 

You saw the pictures of the beautiful puppy we have… Well, I have been trying to distance myself from him and his sweet puppy dog eyes, as the more time I spend with him, the more in love I become… and the more attached we both are. This morning, and other mornings too, but this morning especially upset me… I went into his jail area, to find the whole floor slippery wet with wee…  his water bowl empty and no food. I fill it up and his food bowl too… Who knows when she’ll be back. I clean the floor so at least it isn’t wet so he won’t slip over, which as anyone with experience with German Shepherds would know is like begging for hip injury, not to mention just how disgusting and unfair it is. I am already late for work, as I have been every morning since we got the puppy, cos unlike her I can’t walk away and leave him in that mess and with no food or at the least water. I did the same thing last night… When, she went upstairs, I finally felt as though I could be downstairs (lately I have been going straight up to my room)but  I was faced with a wet with wee floor, which I had to mop and a poor little puppy basically covered in his own wee. 

It’s just f*cked. 

As of tomorrow I won’t be living at that house anymore. My furniture gets moved out tomorrow and I will no longer have a bed there…  I think I have to tell my dad… It is technically his dog, although my sister clearly got him with the intention of being able to parade him around as her own, yet not take care of him. I will ask my dad if I can take the puppy with me… At least I will take care of him. My sister moans about all the things she has to do… Yet she does NOTHING. I’m in shock and so angry. And helpless because I am work, and she’s off enjoying herself, while the puppy is in prison and swimming in his own wee.


Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Moving on...

Hi Guys…

Oh my, I have been having a really really tough time lately. 

My last post introduced you to my Dad’s birthday present puppy… I admitted I had fallen in love, head over heels in fact. And though it pains me, I actually have to leave him.

In my past posts, I have mentioned my pet family and how much they mean to me… But other than them, my home life is awful. I posted about trouble I was having with my sister and it has gotten worse. A lot worse. I don’t deserve to be treated the way I have, and it breaks my heart to leave, but I have to.
I have broken down in tears many times… And even people who don’t know my situation noticed something was wrong.

I feel like I have been backed into a corner, and my sister knows how much I LOVE my family and my pets, which I think is why she thought she could treat me so badly and that I wouldn’t do anything about it (ie: leave). My family (who don’t live with me) and my friends all think it’s time I moved out and most thought I should have long ago… But, my God, it is so much easier said than done. Luckily for me, my Mum has offered to let me live with her. She lives in Port Melbourne… Life will be great there. No doubt about it. But I am extremely apprehensive about leaving my babies… But I have to, for my own sanity.

I think, due to being so unhappy at home, I put all of my affection and adoration into my pets, and as everyone knows, pets give unconditional love… and now I have to leave them. It breaks my heart and is what has kept me there so long… And worse still, I know it will be used against me. She has already told me before ‘for someone who claims to love their family so much, you sure are selfish’… This is all due to her selfishness and just abusing my kindness and taking advantage of me. And then using it against me. 

It probably sounds like I’m a bit of a Drama Queen, and I wish I could tell you the back story…  

I feel broken.
She said things to me that I will never forget.


Friday, October 28, 2011

Puppy Power!

We got a new PUPPY!!!!

He is un-named at the moment, but oh my God... My heart is officially stolen!!!

Check out the floppy ears!!!

He's so black, you can't even see him on his bed...
 Haven't even had him for 24 hours yet... So, be prepared for puppy picture onslaught!


Friday, October 14, 2011

In a rut

Hi Guys!

I have been in a rut lately. Had a bit of a rough few months at home, which has actually finally made me realise that I can’t expect, or continue to wait in hope, that other people will make changes in their life- I just have to take my happiness into my own hands for once.

I guess I had a bit of a co-dependency issue with "her", but I’m not sure if that’s the right term… But what I mean is that I was enabling her and she was enabling me. Anyway, she just recently did some things that highlighted issues that I had allowed to lurk in the shadows… I mean I knew these problems existed but I didn’t want to do anything about them or be the one to make any changes in fear of rocking the boat.

See, one of my bigger issues is worrying about other people- worrying about them in general and also worrying about how they would feel if I were to worry about myself for once. Damn, I wish I was better at using the right words to convey what I mean, while still being diplomatic and not giving it all away… But basically, I have spent a lot of time (too many years) putting myself at the bottom of the list and putting other peoples’ needs above my own… without realising that no one had me, or my feelings, high on their list either…  So, now, after many years of being in this situation, someone who I was ‘helping’, someone who ‘needed’ me, someone who I made sacrifices for, has made it so glaringly obvious that they were taking advantage of me (and, if given the chance, will continue to do so), that I now have no choice but to act… to rock the boat, to ruffle some feathers and to put myself and my needs first… And I guess to stand up for myself, finally.

I have been doing a lot of thinking… I’m pretty annoyed at myself for not being wiser and not seeing things how they really were… I gave this person the benefit of the doubt, against what people advised- or at least invested too much of myself in their recovery. I feel like I took a gamble on someone, and lost out big time… Something worth so much more than money. I lost time. 

Issues with family suck. Many years ago, when things really truly got to boiling point, I was there when I was needed… Even though I got nothing but grief out of it (and when I say grief.., I really mean a crap-load of heartache and emotional abuse for no reason other than the perpetrator getting satisfaction out of seeing me hurt). Nothing I ever did was enough and even the small amount that was noticed, was certainly not appreciated or given any value. I was made to feel guilty for things that were out of my control, made to “pay” for debts that were not my own and still never doing enough. Ever since I was born, I have to admit, I have been seen as an inconvenience. 

I hope someone out there understands what I mean.

Anyway, last year I went to Camp Eden, a wellness resort in QLD, with my sister. It was pretty great… and at times confronting. We went there to relax, pamper, look after our health, stop smoking and detox from some self-medicating that was going on. I had to confront obvious fears (like heights, flying foxes, bugs- and tonnes of hilarity ensued) but there was also another part of the program that prompted really deep thinking. The Eden Program. 

It was the kind of thing when they say one little thing and it just totally opens your mind and enlightens you in ways you may not have even known needed any thought. It was a daily part of the Camp Eden experience, though nothing is compulsary, and some sessions were like workshops, were we would be told all these enlightening, yet non-specific, things, which we would then have time to workshop (in pairs, usually) to our own specific needs. Here’s where my problem came into play. You see, I was at Camp Eden with the instigator of a lot of my problems… And, we were nearly always paired together. So, I really couldn’t speak freely… I just let her go on about her troubles. And believe me, that is how it usually goes. 

Anyway, one day my sister didn’t do the Eden Program… she was having a facial, and it was so annoying, as they were talking about letting go, accepting responsibilities, not blaming other people for your own problems etc etc, and all I kept thinking was ‘trust my sister to miss this part”. The things I thought she needed to hear most. As the workshop went on… I realised I too needed to hear it. It was really all about taking responsibility for your own… um… your own, everything, I guess. And the thing I found most helpful from Camp Eden was the notion that the only thing you can control is yourself. You can’t control someone else’s’ actions, only how you allow their actions to affect you. Grr, I just cannot put it clearly, but, my gosh, I swear I was enlightened like crazy. It was so thought-provoking and overwhelming for me, that when it came time to workshop in pairs, I had nothing written down to share…

 I spent so much time being caught up in my sisters’ problems, I failed to notice my own- Even when I was at this workshop, I was still thinking about her problems… Until, bang, I realised I wasn’t doing myself any good… You know how they say ‘you can lead a horse to water but you can make him drink’. That is my situation. I can listen, empathise, sympathise, try and help, try and offer advice, be as understanding as can be, try and help lessen the burden, making her problems my own, but if she does nothing to change her own situation- the same situation she got herself into, why am I wasting my life talking to a brick wall, listening to the same broken record over and over again?! I guess I have come to realise that some people must like being miserable, they must enjoy being able to tell anyone who will listen all of their problems, without ever bothering to help themselves. I guess it’s easier to wallow then it is to take responsibility and change things. Well not me, not this time, anyway.  

The thing is… with family, you can’t just walk away. Right? I still have to offer support, just not at the expense of my own welfare, anymore.  

Just one example of the manifestation of my unhappiness is that after having lost the same excess weight over and over, one would think I may have learnt that you can’t just diet to lose weight and then eat like a pig and not exercise and expect not to gain weight. I don’t know why I did it, or why I continue to do it, but as of tomorrow I am back on Lite’n’Easy (I was on it years ago, for convenience and weight loss and again I need it for both). I am looking to shift about 10 kilos… I don’t want to go on my hard core diet again; I just need some balance… And in the emotional state I am at the moment, I am unable to make healthy food choices for myself and end up binge eating like crazy. I also got another coupon for Contours and I am going there tomorrow!


P.S- I like how I started off trying not to mention who I was complaining about, but in the end I guess it's obvious who I am talking about.