Saturday, December 24, 2011

"Couture, Couture" Solid Parfum Ring

Little bit of Christmas cheer for myself...

Actually, I'm not gonna lie, I have spoilt myself rotten this year. I was feeling sorry for myself, so I indulged.

I'll put it this way... It's going to be a Juicy Christmas and a Couture New Year!!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

I still haven't decided if I will attend my family Christmas party yet. I'm anticipating some serious awkwardness... And that makes me want to avoid it but at the same time, I don't want to not be there just because of one family member, I think I will regret it *sigh decisions, decisions

I am going to Yarraglen to have Christmas brunch with my brother and his baby mama (and good friend, great actually) and my niece... So at least I am doing "something". I was planning on pretending it was any old day.

I would go to my family dinner if I could persuade my bro and co to come too. The level of awkwardness would be considerably lowered if I went with them.

Have a great day everyone!

Oh and meanwhile, on a whim, I decided to try a faux tan for the first time ever (meaning I have never self tanned)! The night before Christmas?! Crazy talk! I used St Tropez tanning mousse... I only did it about 2 hours ago... It actually looks pretty good so far, but I haven't washed the "guide tan" off yet, I will do that on Christmas morning... Makes me feel thinner too, which is always a good thing :D review pending.


Friday, December 16, 2011

Christmas Grinch...

Thanks for your comment on my last post, LH

I totally understand how you feel! Family drama is one of the hardest to deal esp when I see friends with families who are extremely close knit and I think, why am I not like them? But now I've pretty much given up on having any sort of close knit relationship and I'm just taking baby steps and seeing how things go and being civil.

And with your animal thing, if I were you, I would have just taken them to my new place. I cried when I had to put my cats in the cattery when our apartment flooded. I know I'm a legit crazy cat lady. I totally miss my babies when I leave the place!

I actually started to write a reply to your comment, but then it got massive and I realised, heck, this is a post all on its' own.

My sister knows how much Bender means to me, which is precisely why she forced me to return him. I did technically steal him and had planned to keep him, and I even thought I'd gotten away with it without much fuss. But then she used my nephews as leverage for me to return him (I had even asked my nephews if it was okay, and they seriously didn't care!) and she would have gotten my Dad involved and why would he, or anyone, support me, when she would say my nephews miss their cat?! It's blindingly clear she's doing it to hurt me and she couldn’t care less how the cat feels, or even how her children feel (like I said, I asked, and they didn't mind). She is not an animal person. She's barely even a people person.   

I literally think about him all the time. I too am a legit crazy cat lady... My sister knows that too- She used to say I was the crazy cat lady from The Simpsons and even gave me the figurine, which I think was intended to be insulting... Pfft, I'm proud of it, it's sitting on my desk right now, as we speak- or I type I mean. I love my pets and I’m not ashamed, but I couldn’t let her keep using them as a way to get to me… Well, it is still getting to me (obviously), but I can’t let her know that. I know I sound crazy… but I’m not being overly dramatic, I promise. She wants to hurt me She wants to punish for me for not letting her stand over me anymore.

And proud of it!

I hate myself or not being able to stand up to her and take Bender... I'm exhausted by her and all the drama and abuse… It fuels her, she loves it- thrives off it. Lives for it. Even now, my anger is all built up inside of me, it makes me feel ill. I'm not even going to Christmas this year- cutting off my nose to spite my myself, I guess...Yep, I'll be on my own for Christmas and I'll be the only one who notices. I wouldn't dare inflict the terrible mood I will be in, due to missing out on my usual family Christmas, on anyone else so I won't be going anywhere. I cannot stand her and don't want to be anywhere near her. I will explode if I do. She'll use my absence against me, but I've gotten to the point where she can say whatever she wants about me now. I’m over it. The people who really know me (incl. family) will know what she says is complete bulldust, and if they don't already know it, why should I let it bother me.  Saddest part about that… I think my own Father will be someone who will believe all she says. I’m sick of being second best to everyone.

I'm so hurt by all of this... Bender being kept from me is just the dagger in my heart.


Tuesday, December 13, 2011

The heart grows fonder...

On Sunday I went to my old home to pack up some more things... and saw my little darling Bender- okay, you got me, that is the real reason I went. *wink*

I was nervous about returning... I had yet another text-war with my sister on the Saturday evening. When I say war, what I mean is that I am civil... and she goes off her rocker. Some of the memorable insults were that I am a 'slack cow,' 'a freeloader' 'selfish', but the worst, and most worrying, was the threat that selfish people will get what selfish people deserve... And I hate that I thought it, but my mind went straight to 'what is she going to do?' I thought burn down my room, hurt my darling cat... Honestly, these are the things I feel she is capable of. Would she go ahead and do it? I really don't know... But it says a lot that I thought it though. I also mentioned it to my bestie and when I mentioned what I feared, she even said she didn't want to say it, but that was exactly where her mind went too.

?! What am I dealing with here?! I live in fear of her, and what extent she might go to hurt me. That's crazy right?! But the fact that my best friend thought it as well, made me feel that I am not just over-reacting.

I stopped replying to her texts, because there was no point. I just forwarded them to my Dad. In my mind, if he can justify the way she treats me, then he can deal with it. He told me he called her and that it was 'okay now'...

My arrival was confrontational *sigh

I was in my car, psyching myself up, and my Dad's car was still there, so I felt slightly relived that my buffer was around... As I approached the door, my heart beating fast, sweaty palms... The door opened before I got there. Yep, my Dad was leaving just as I was arriving, and my sister was right there saying goodbye (so was Bender). My Dad tried to make a joke 'Oh, you remember (my sisters' name) don't you?' (hardy har, nice try but no dice with me). She laughed and acted very jovial... I said 'er yeh' and just made a bee-line for my bedroom and shut the door.

I am not a faker. I actually can't do it. I'm most probably not making it any easier on myself, or anyone really. I haven't even looked my sister in the eye for a long time (early November), so I'm not about to go along pretending nothing is wrong with someone who says such awful things to me, am I?! I can't do it. And it pains me even more that she has the ability to pretend like nothing happened before- like the big blow-up and that, again, only a few days prior she was calling me horrible names again, when I literally say nothing bad about her, no name calling, nothing to provoke. All that was happening was me being blamed for things that were not my fault. At all. It's amazing, really. The one thing I did say, after being blamed for a plethora of things, was 'always blaming someone else' and that was after a barrage of texts, sprinkled with profanity. That's it. That's me, "being horrible."  That was followed by 3 or 4 more texts, once which included 'stop texting loser'-- which I thought was strange, considering I had sent the ratio of 1 text to her 4. It's like a lot of the things she says to me... They should really be directed at herself. Like blaming me for things going wrong with her life... They aren't my fault. Not one bit. Other people have said that too... Like my mum, brother, my best friend. My dad has said to me, in her defence... that I am the only one she can take it out on or that "she's angry at the world"... Um, and that makes it okay?

Playing happy families cos my Dad was around at the front door and just pretending like she hadn't said what she had said only a few days before?! I can't do it! Is that wrong?! Am I wrong? Am I supposed to pretend it was all fine and ok with me?! Seriously? I don't know. I am so hurt, I can't do it. I won't do it!!! Not anymore. I also don't want her thinking... 'ahh I'm forgiven'... and that it's okay to treat me that way. It's not. It's not okay anymore.

I can't look her in the eyes because I feel if I l do, she will see all the pain she has caused me. My eyes don't lie. And, I would be happy to be wrong here, but I feel she takes pleasure from knowing she hurts me.


It had been nearly 2 weeks since I had seen Bender... During that time, on many occasions I wanted to go back just to see him. Like, not even go inside, just see him outside, give him a pat and some cuddles, so he knew I was still around.

Leaving him was bad enough and I avoided visiting him because I feared seeing him again and then saying goodbye again would be hard. I was right. It was hard. But, I am happy I went and got to see him. It was a bitter sweet reunion. I am glad that he is okay, glad that he obviously still loves me, but sad that I had to say goodbye and maybe gave him false hope that I was back. I saw signs that he is a slightly unhappy... I mean he is being fed, he has shelter etc, but like me, he is an emotional eater... and, like me, let's just say, he's piled on some pounds! He is also not grooming himself like he would normally, but when he came into my room for some cuddles, he started grooming, like he could relax.

I miss him most at night... He used to sleep with me. I'm lonesome without him. In the past 2 weeks, I would catch myself wondering what he was doing, wondering if he was waiting for me to come home, feeling sad I wasn't strong enough to still be there. Feeling like the bad guy.

When he first saw me on Sunday (at the front door, as my Dad was leaving), it was soooo cute. He saw me, looked perplexed, and his eyes grew large as if to say 'huh? Is what I'm seeing real?! Is it really her?!' He would have rubbed his eyes, in disbelief, if he could, I'm sure. Unfortunately, at the time I went straight upstairs and didn't get to say hello properly- the whole front door confrontation was too much for me, but he came and 'knocked' on my bedroom door about 5 mins later... by knocked I mean incessant scratching and the old familiar meowwwww. Mmm, I misssssss him soooooo much.


I have to admit, Smokey is enjoying being the only cat in the house. But the thing with old man Smokey is that he is Mr. Independent. He doesn't mind the odd cuddle, but overall, he likes his space, and gets a bit agro with me if I coddle him too much. Bender was like the answer to all my pet prayers... He loves a cuddle, anytime, anyplace. There is never a limit to his affection. It's amazing. I miss that.

Here is Smokey, looking like a kitten, even though he will be 10 this February (I actually thought it was last Feb, but found his birth certificate in the move, haha). That face is the look I get after I have annoyed him by calling his name a number of times for a photo op... What? What do you want?! Still cute though!!

 I also got to see the puppy!!! My sister and the kids had left, on foot (her car was still there) and I *assumed* they would have taken the puppy with them... I mean why not? Why, when you have a puppy, would you not take them with you? Anyway, I went outside for a sticky beak anyway and OH MY GOSH, adorable to the max! I wish I had taken a picture, but I went out there empty handed, and luckily, cos he was all over me like a rash!! I kept saying 'do you remember me, do you remember me???!' I think he did! So gorgeous! Tripled in size, easily... It had been 2 weeks to the day that I last saw him. I wasn't expecting him to be so big, but he is!

So sad to say goodbye, and to Bender too, but I was still filled with love after having seen them. I do still get that hollow, I miss them, feeling... but, what can you do?! Taking what I can get.



I got nominated for my first blog award! How excitement!

I was all excited about who I would nominate in return and saw that nearly all of my fave blogs were also nominated!

Liebster is a German word meaning "dearest" and the award is given to blogs with fewer than 200 followers.
The award acceptance has a few stipulations:
  1. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you.
  2. Reveal the five blogs you have chosen and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
  3. Copy and paste the award onto your blog.
  4. Request that people you have sent the award to forward it on to their favourite bloggers.
Firstly, Dankeschön Lee and Ms S for the nomination

And the 5 darling bloggers I nominate for this award are

1. Poptartlr and her blog Dragons & Peacocks
2. Brasilian_Babe and her motherhood career and fashion blog
3. Jaztee and her jazzy blog
4. Jane at Tea and Vegemite Toast
5. Kate at Sugar and Spice and all things nice


Friday, December 2, 2011

thank you... and the back story

I cannot thank you guys enough for your kind words on my last post

Kiki Chaos, thanks and you’re right; you can think about and care for more than one thing at a time. I was feeling guilty for feeling like I was putting too much of a burden on my dad. He has so many things on his mind. I feel like a sook, but I'm also feeling really disconnected from him now... I feel like he threw me like a 'lamb to the slaughter' and like my sisters' needs are more important than mine.

Thanks MissR… I was starting to feel like I was alone in thinking how important the seemingly simple things were to pets. When I told my bestie about all wee and number two’s that were everywhere, she thought that was pretty normal during puppy training. Hmm, that made me think I was being overly sensitive... but thinking back, she probably didn’t understand the extent of the mess. It’s impossible to clean up mess when you’re not there, I understand that, but when you are there and actively avoiding it… well, there’s no excuse.

Emma, I wish I could do more, I felt I had to let go of them. *sigh

Thanks Elegantlee, I truly wish I didn’t have to return them… I really do. I was hyperventilating through tears on my way home from dropping Bender off on Monday evening. I haven’t cried like that for a long long time. I felt my heart squeezing in my chest… You know the feeling where it feels like it’s cramping and you just hope it will start beating again, and you just can’t catch your breath?! Even right now, thinking about it, tears well up in my eyes. I miss him, a lot. And I worry about him and the puppy too. This was a losing battle for me… My sisters’ goal here is to hurt me… I’ve had to accept that (after everyone telling me).

(worlds' longest post coming up...)