I had a really stressfully emotional night last night.
You see, my sister has been unwell and if you’ve read of my posts about family you would see I had a lot of issues with her. Long story short is that I eventually moved out- but I had already suffered a lot. I felt like I was always taking a backseat in my family because others would be so effed up that there was never time for me.
My Dad has 10 children (4 different mums)… So it makes sense that some of us had to disappear. We are all spread out a lot. Especially me. I am the most spread out of us all. My sister is 12 years older than me and my little brother is 6 years younger- everyone else is 1 or 2 years apart. You’d almost think I would have had a lot of attention. But I didn’t. Or maybe I did but I was too young to remember.
Anyway, since I moved out (I lived with my Dad and my sister and her 2 sons), I haven’t had much to do with my sister. She is going through something and I don’t want to be part of it- it’s destructive. She uses me and does nothing to help her situation. My dad would call me now and then just say hello. It started to dawn on me that almost every call was to update me on my sister after he put in the obligatory 'small chat'. ‘Oh she’s not doing well’ ‘when was the last time you saw her’ ‘ she’s very skinny‘ ‘oh she has so much on her plate.’ Every call was under a minute long and most of that was him telling me about my sister.
I can’t really explain and I probably sound like I am evil, but he has always put her problems onto me. Since I was at least 19. She had a nervous breakdown and I was the one who had to help her through it. Last night was the final straw. He asked me when was the last time I saw her. Well, it was that weekend when I babysat my nephew so she could go to a night club. Call me crazy, but she can’t be too sick if she can go to a nightclub. Anyway, I don’t want my post here to be about her, but after I got off the phone I felt really low. My dad puts all this guilt on me as though I am supposed to do something about her problems when she won’t even help herself. I started toying with the idea of telling him how I felt. I have never done that. I bottle my emotions, keep them deep down inside. I knew I couldn’t ‘speak’ to him, as I get too emotional and make no sense. So, I wrote him a letter (to send electronically).
I cried while I wrote it. I asked him what it was he wanted me to do about my sister, and didn’t he notice that the last time I ‘helped’ my life was turned upside down and no one cared and it didn’t help her, it just hurt me. I told him he only sees what she wants him to see and if he only knew the truth. I told him how I now know how our family works… ‘he who screams loudest gets the attention’- I am not like that. I told him I don’t want him to call me only to tell me how badly she is doing. I told how all my life I have reached out to him, only to be pushed aside. I have always felt like a nuisance… Just something that everyone had to find something to do with. I was in the way. I used to stay at my step-mums on weekends just so I could see him when he would visit them… I used to go to his work after to school just to see him, even if it was only to spend time with him as he would drive me home. If I hadn’t made those efforts, I wouldn’t have seen him. I have never told him how all this has made me feel. I said all I want is for you to not call me to remind me how less important I am than everyone else.
I did feel like a weight had been lifted off me just writing it all down. I was unsure of sending the message. I know it would make him sad… but I honestly can’t handle it anymore. It’s every time I talk to him. I sent the message. I told him I didn’t want to talk about it, I just wanted him to know how I felt and how it makes me feel when he tried to guilt me. I did receive a reply this morning. It was pretty okay and he barely mentioned my sister, only to say ‘he didn’t know’ and that ‘maybe’ he was ‘blind about some things’… Better than nothing. He also said we needed to talk. I don’t want to. To be honest, since I moved out I gave up. I decided that he had made his choice and my sisters’ problems were more important than anyone’s and most definitely more important than my happiness. I decided I wasn’t going to continue to reach out anymore to him, only to get burned again. I also think is why I am still mad at her. I blame her for what has happened to my relationship with my dad. I know he thinks less of me for walking away. He said to me ‘I thought you were stronger than that’… I said ‘well, you were wrong’ and walked away.
Anyway, I had knots in my stomach… and had trouble getting to sleep. When I woke up I was okay, until I remembered what had happened. Back to feeling queasy. I then checked my phone and saw the message from my dad and had a nice cry in the shower.
I am a coward but I don’t care anyway. I am who I am and I can’t help that. This is the first time I ever told my Dad how I really feel, usually I just put on a brave face and pretend I am okay. When my dad tries to call me again, I won’t be answering. It’ll probably be tonight but I’m just not ready. I have really exposed my true feelings and it’s scary. I feel raw and exposed.
Sorry for the post. But I need to get it all out. I saw a psychologist a few years ago, but it was when I was quite depressed and seeing the doctor and going to work 3 times a week were literally all I did. The rest of the time I was in bed, at home and ordering takeaway food. Unfortunately the half-rebated Medicare appointments were all used up before I could even get to my family issues.
Thanks for reading if you did.